See me

Why cant he see me, all he sees is my crazy and my scars, im so much more. I wish he could see me but that only means the one who can see me beyond all the trash is out there still.

Come for me

I never would of

I never would of that the same young vibrant girl would have some many self inflicted scars,and be so disturbed as an adult

I cut last night

so I cut last night, I just gave up on fighting the urge. I thought I was done but clearly I wasnt. I feel a little disappointed in myself, I dont want to go backwards but i cut twice in two months, is that alot or a little. I cant keep cutting or getting high so much, its going to make me worse.

lonely

today was such a lonely day

love

Im sitting here thinking about when will i find my true love, i know i am suppose to be working on myself but the feeling of that thing thats missing, true love that i want to share someone is sometimes hard to ignore, so i decided to write about it. I am listening to glen hansard's song "once" with my dog lying down beside me. I had a productive day, I ran errands mostly and it was so hot outside. I haven't read my books today, i will try to before i go to bed. Oh I just wrote all this new stuff on one of my dating profiles, it says all the things I want in a guy, I am sure i prolly come off as a snob but fuck it, I am done playing games.

This one counts

Everyone has moments that change their life forever and I truly believe today at around 4:05 pm I had one of those moments. I was driving to an escort appt I was suppose to be having and as Im driving I enter an intersection going to go through the yellow light and a pickup truck in the opposite direction decides that that yellow light is his signal to turn left in a hurry. A long deep breathe and I find myself steering my car going 35 mph around this truck, curving like a bullet from that Angelina Jolie movie "wanted". Anways I didn't make it to that appt cause it was a prank one. I sat there in my rental car thinking thats not what I want to die as. A 25 year old prostitute who loses her life on the way to a prank appt. I decided no way was that going to be me, I mean geez what would my head stone say. First Name Last Name

"Died not as she wanted to be or living the way she wanted!"

I mean I have nothing against escorting and ppl that spend their who lives doing it, it is just not what is meant to be my life. I should be doing it as a means to push my life in better stronger directions, taking the money I make from it and investing into the future that is me, and taking the free time it allows me to have to better my situation, build and work towards a better and more satisfying life.

Anyways I bought some books and wrote down a plan. I am excited again!