See me

Why cant he see me, all he sees is my crazy and my scars, im so much more. I wish he could see me but that only means the one who can see me beyond all the trash is out there still.

Come for me

I never would of

I never would of that the same young vibrant girl would have some many self inflicted scars,and be so disturbed as an adult

I cut last night

so I cut last night, I just gave up on fighting the urge. I thought I was done but clearly I wasnt. I feel a little disappointed in myself, I dont want to go backwards but i cut twice in two months, is that alot or a little. I cant keep cutting or getting high so much, its going to make me worse.

lonely

today was such a lonely day

love

Im sitting here thinking about when will i find my true love, i know i am suppose to be working on myself but the feeling of that thing thats missing, true love that i want to share someone is sometimes hard to ignore, so i decided to write about it. I am listening to glen hansard's song "once" with my dog lying down beside me. I had a productive day, I ran errands mostly and it was so hot outside. I haven't read my books today, i will try to before i go to bed. Oh I just wrote all this new stuff on one of my dating profiles, it says all the things I want in a guy, I am sure i prolly come off as a snob but fuck it, I am done playing games.

This one counts

Everyone has moments that change their life forever and I truly believe today at around 4:05 pm I had one of those moments. I was driving to an escort appt I was suppose to be having and as Im driving I enter an intersection going to go through the yellow light and a pickup truck in the opposite direction decides that that yellow light is his signal to turn left in a hurry. A long deep breathe and I find myself steering my car going 35 mph around this truck, curving like a bullet from that Angelina Jolie movie "wanted". Anways I didn't make it to that appt cause it was a prank one. I sat there in my rental car thinking thats not what I want to die as. A 25 year old prostitute who loses her life on the way to a prank appt. I decided no way was that going to be me, I mean geez what would my head stone say. First Name Last Name

"Died not as she wanted to be or living the way she wanted!"

I mean I have nothing against escorting and ppl that spend their who lives doing it, it is just not what is meant to be my life. I should be doing it as a means to push my life in better stronger directions, taking the money I make from it and investing into the future that is me, and taking the free time it allows me to have to better my situation, build and work towards a better and more satisfying life.

Anyways I bought some books and wrote down a plan. I am excited again!

Sum times I really hate life

I am so oissed off right now. I hate where I am and who I am .

This is all bulshit

fuck fuck fuick

It's hard

One of the biggest problems a person with bpd has is consistency, and for me it's a huge problem.

I have a very hard time continually doing something or keeping a routine. So this there may be long days in between posts but hopefully I get better at keeping up with this.

It's 2:21 can't sleep and I can't stop thinking about nothingness. My brain is always running

*bouncing

*jumping

*racing

The thoughts are random and annoying, they are useless

6 months and I cut

Today I made attempts to cut myself, I was cutting on my leg right above my knee, but it didnt go like usual I was having a hard time making bigger slices on my skin that would satisfy me. Luckily my boyfriend came in and stopped me from doing more damage.
This weekend has been a hard one I have been feeling hopeless and like a complete failure. I fought with my live in boyfriend everyday many times of day, cried a bunch also. Im sure it was all a trigeer to end my 6 months of not cutting. I hate triggers and I hate myself and my mind. After cutting I felt numb, oh to be a borderline and in a relationship is crazy, why do I even try?

Inside a Borderline Blog post 1

3 1/2 years and I still wake up everyday with my bpd front and center. It has ripped through the last 3 1/2 years of my life, causing uproars in every aspect of my life. 6 therapists, 8 different meds, 2 hospitalizations, 2 failed long term relationships, many nights of cutting on my arms and legs, many pieces of broken objects and so many tears shed, I am on the verge of all these happening everyday I wake up. Now at 25 I'm trying again, I'm trying to help myself, get the treatment I know is needed, trying to began to beat this monster that eats up my life and myself.

I would love to use this blog as a journal to capture what it takes and how it feels to get hope back into my life.

Read or don't read

its all the same inside a borderline...